Overthinking

It took me a while to realize that after almost every real conversation, I would replay it later.

Not right away. Usually when things were quieter.

I’d go back through what I said, what I didn’t say, what I might have said differently if I had just taken another second. And I’d try to understand the other side of it better too. What they meant. What they didn’t say directly. What I might have missed in the moment.

At first it just felt like reflection.

Like I was paying attention. Trying to get better at it.

And sometimes that’s what it was.

There’s something useful in going back through something and seeing it more clearly.

But there’s a point where it shifts.

It’s a fine line. I didn’t really see it at first.

You’re still in the same conversation, just… going further with it.

At some point it stops adding anything.

You’re not seeing anything new. You’re just staying in it.

At some point it starts to feel a little off.

Like you’re circling something that’s already finished.

If you stay in it too long, it almost turns into circling the drain. Other thoughts start to show up that were never part of it.

It’s not even the same conversation anymore.

That part took longer to notice.

I would go back through the same thing again and it felt like there should be something there if I just stayed with it a little longer.

Most of the time there wasn’t.

At one point I started wondering what was behind it. Reflection made sense. Then I thought maybe there was something else in there too. Wanting to get it right. Wanting to make sure I didn’t miss something.

I don’t think I ever really figured that part out.

I still do it sometimes. It’s a hard habit to drop.

I see it a lot with women. We tend to be pretty reflective. That part actually helps.

It just has a point where it keeps going.

And when it does, nothing really changes. You’re still in the same loop.

The conversation has already moved on. The other person has moved on. I was the only one still sitting there with it.

Now I just try to catch it a little earlier.

Not every time.

Just enough.

I still care about getting things right.

I’m just better at knowing when I’ve gone far enough.